


Lover Boy

by HellsWolfie



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mention of Bipolar disorder, Secret Admirer, also charles is here fuck that guy, anyway enjoy, charles munier - Freeform, mention of other characters, probably like the fic lol, tagging him for those who want to blacklist him which understanble, this tags are far too long aren't they ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24878359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HellsWolfie/pseuds/HellsWolfie
Summary: To be fair, Eliott had never planned for this thing to go on for so long. He actually planned to do it once, just once, and then...well, he doesn’t really know what he hoped would happen after, maybe being satisfied (although he should have known he could never be satisfied when it comes to Lucas) but point is, he never stopped. It was really hard to so when he sees the look on Lucas’ face every time he receives a note. And to be frank, it is bit addictive.aka : Eliott and Lucas are childhood best friends and Eliott, like the pan disaster he is, decides that the best way to deal with his pining is to write anonymous love letters. Absolutely nothing could go wrong with that.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 17
Kudos: 107





	Lover Boy

«Hey Racoon boy»

Having being too focused on getting books from his locker, Eliott almost jumps at the voice behind him. But also having it memorized by heart after all this time, he just smiles and turns around. And when he does, he is faced with the most beautiful boy to ever exist. 

He really should be used to it by now, of being witness to Lucas’ beauty. After all, they’ve known each other since they were 10 and 12 and had been best friends ever since. But it was apparently impossible to ever get over this deep ocean eyes, and messy hair that had a mind of their own, and this mischievous smile with those lips that...

«Eliott ?»

Oh right. 

He must look very weird right now, just staring like that. Fortunately, his best friend is used to his weirdness so he hopefully won’t look too much into it.

«Sorry», Eliott answers with a teasing smile, «I’m just surprised to see you. Didn’t actually think you’d come in school today»

And that in itself is not completely a lie. Last night they did a Harry Potter marathon, which lasted till early in the morning, and when they went off to bed (in separate bedrooms, of course, unfortunately) Lucas seemed on the verge to sleep for a hundred years and claimed he would kill anyone (see : Eliott) who would dare to wake him up at any time, no matter if he was late for his classes (and Eliott would probably have rolled his eyes at that if he hadn’t be so focused on how freaking adorable sleepy Lucas was). 

They probably should have been more clever about this, but they couldn’t do their usually Friday movie night this week, and went to a party Saturday so they really couldn’t do anything else with their hangover and, honestly, simply spending time with Lucas is definitely worth all of the lack of sleep in the world, and yeah Eliott knows how corny that sounded. 

«Tell me about it, Lucas sighs, but unfortunately I remembered that I promised Basile I would be there for PE because no one else wants to team up with him since he accidently hit Paul with his rackets so...Here I am»

«Here you are», repeats Eliott, still smiling. «Did you have time to go to your locker, then ?»  
The blush on Lucas’ face is all the answer he needs. 

«Huh...Yeah»

Eliott suddenly feels very smug and has the urge to smile stupidly, because he knows for a fact Lucas didn’t actually need to go to his locker this morning. He always puts his sport stuff in his school bag. 

The smaller boy reaches a piece of paper from his pants and hands it to Eliott. Eliott already knows what is written there, but Lucas certainly doesn’t need to know that, so he reads it anyway. 

//Hey beautiful :) I hope you slept well. I didn’t, unfortunately, but I know just seeing you will be enough to brighten my day !!//

Eliott refrains a smile at reading his own words. He had meant it, really. Because even after all this time and even though they live together now, seeing Lucas is still the highlight of his days. 

«That’s cute», he says, giving back the paper while gauging Lucas’ reaction. 

And once again, he is not disappointed, the blush on Lucas’ face getting deeper, the small boy looking at the ground with the hint of a smile. Eliott has to stop himself from cooing at the sight. He admits it can be really satisfying, sometimes, to be the reason for this look on Lucas’ face, even if Lucas doesn’t know it’s him. 

But he also notices a little reserve at Lucas’ reaction, which wouldn’t have been surprising had there been anyone else but when it’s just the two of them, Lucas has usually no problem letting Eliott see his more vulnerable side. 

Fortunately, Eliott knows his best friend enough to know what is bothering him. 

«So you still haven’t find out who it is ?»

«Nope», Lucas answers with a hint of frustration in his voice, and Eliott can’t help but be amused at Lucas being once again frustrated about not being able to solve an enigma. 

It is one of the many things that makes them different from one another. Lucas always wants to get to the bottom of things, and can’t stand not knowing something, while Eliott finds the prospect of mystery and letting imagination be free so alluring. That’s also what makes them so compatible, in a way. 

«No but seriously, continues Lucas, it’s been going on for months ! Months ! And I still have no fucking clue ! And I tried everything, I mean you know that, and still nothing I swear it’s driving me crazy ! It’s like this dude is a secret agent or a ninja or something !» 

Eliott chuckles a bit at his best friend, ignoring the death glare aimed at him in response. It is true that Lucas has tried everything. He tried to go to school very early in the morning and spied his locker, asked Eliott to do the same, even placed a hidden camera, and had many other plans he put into actions that probably would have ended up working had he not unknowingly tell his secret admirer about all of them. 

«What makes you think it’s a dude, tho ?», he ends up asking, and this time Lucas is the one who laughs at him. 

«Eliott, the whole school knows I’m gay. Why would a girl do this when she knows she has no chance with me ?»

«Well that could actually be because she knows she has no chance. Like, you know, it would be her only way to express her feelings without being rejected» and ouch, that one hits a little too much closer to home. 

«I don’t know...I did some research and I think it’s a male handwriting», says Lucas, too engrossed in the piece of paper to notice the change in Eliott’s tone. Or Eliott just became better at faking after all this time.

And of course Lucas did some research on that. Luckily, Eliott had changed his handwriting so that it wouldn’t be recognizable. 

«Well you know it doesn’t matter much who it is. If one day they want you to know, they’ll just tell you. You shouldn’t put that much thoughts into it»

«You’re kidding, right ?» Lucas says with an unimpressed look on his face and yeah, Eliott expected it to go this way. They already had this discussion a hundred of times. 

But before Lucas could launch into a speech on how Truth was too important and that it was not fair that he didn’t know who it was, the bell rang and they had to go to their respective classes. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

//Hi. You don’t know me but I just wanted to tell you : I think you are so fucking beautiful. Like you should be put in a museum or something.  
Ok this maybe comes as creepy but I’m really not creepy I swear !! I just didn’t know how else to tell you how I feel and I couldn’t keep in it any longer. Have a good day :)//

This was the first note Eliott had ever put in Lucas’ locker. Months ago. 

To be fair, Eliott had never planned for this thing to go on for so long. He actually planned to do it once, just once, and then...well, he doesn’t really know what he hoped would happen after, maybe being satisfied (although he should have known he could never be satisfied when it comes to Lucas) but point is, he never stopped. It was really hard to so when he sees the look on Lucas’ face every time he receives a note. And to be frank, it is bit addictive. 

And actually, it is Idriss’s fault. He was the one who kept pestering Eliott about how he should tell Lucas how he felt and all that stuff. And so Eliott did. He just didn’t precise it was him. 

It all started when they moved in together, in September. Before that, Eliott had always managed to keep his feelings in check. More or less. 

He had been getting used to being head over heels in love with Lucas while keeping his mouth shut about it since the first time he saw him, in detention, when they were the only ones here (Eliott kept drawing in class which upset a lot of his teachers and Lucas apparently had hit someone with his most heavy book for having told him he was too young and small to play with them). Despite their two years age gap and their very different personalities, they had instantly clicked and had been inseparable since then. 

Eliott had been immediately entranced by the small boy’s spiky personality, his soft side, the way he could be so fiercely protective and so vulnerable all at once and, well, everything about him, really. He didn’t really understand what it was at first, and when he finally did it was far too late to stop this feelings from spreading in him. 

And normally, he has no problem going for what he wants. «Shameless», his mother called him. But then again, Lucas is the exception for many things, and Eliott just can’t bare the thought of ever losing him. Their friendship is far too precious for that. They’ve always been there for each other and to support each other : Eliott had been the first person Lucas had ever came out to two years ago, and Lucas had been the first person Eliott had ever talked about his bipolarity. They have been through everything together, the good times (Eliott always coming up with a new scenario in his head and Lucas always trying to play it out in the most chaotic way possible, it was their favorite games when they were kids and they’re still doing that, actually, unbeknownst to all of their other friends) as much as the bad times (like when Lucas’ father just up and left without even a goodbye or when Eliott had his own fall out with his parents who just didn’t seem to deem him worth it when they learned about his diagnosis). The thought of ruining that is just unbearable. 

And Lucas made it very clear that he would never see Eliott this way. He keeps saying he won’t ever date anyone because «it’s really not my thing», and Eliott knows him well enough to know that that means he is just waiting for «the one» and well, apparently «the one» isn’t him. One time, Eliott actually thought he could have a chance, because Lucas seemed oddly closed-off and even somewhat hurt when Eliott was talking about some boy he met at a party, and of course Eliott’s stupid brain told him it absolutely had to be because of jealousy, but when Eliott tried to confess that there was actually only one person he could ever be really interested in, Lucas started talking about how he actually envied Eliott for how he could hook up with anyone he wanted while Lucas still had such a hard time with that. After that, Eliott had tried his best to give him all the advices he knew to get with boys (and honestly, when Lucas had enough confidence he really didn’t need any help because damn that boy had game), trying to ignore the pang in his chest when Lucas had managed to hook up with his first boy and all the others after that, even though Lucas never ended up dating any of them. And that’s when Eliott realized that Lucas couldn’t possibly had any feelings for him, because if he had, if he actually looked for any reciprocity, there is no way that he wouldn’t see it printed on Eliott’s face and he would tell him. 

So he kept quiet. 

And it worked, for a while. He managed to love Lucas like that, in silence, even when his feelings only kept growing with time. He distracted himself by hooking up with people, a lot of people, to the point where he has now a reputation of being this famous fuckboy, which he hates. He even dated, once, a girl named Lucille, for a few months. It never really worked though. 

So,as said before, even if there were times when he felt he was gonna suffocate with how much he felt for this small boy, and that his heart threatened to combust more and more everyday, he managed. 

When they moved in together, though, it became much harder. Suddenly, he had to actually live with Lucas all the time. He sees him when he wakes up, all grumpy and adorable, muttering nonsenses while trying and failing to make a toast until Eliott just ends up doing it for him. He sees him before going to bed, sometimes having to physically drag him into it because Lucas would always go to sleep at an unreasonable hour, snuggling into Eliott’s chest.

And it all feels far too domestic, when they cook together (well, when Lucas cooks and Eliott keeps him compagny, more accurately), or make the grossery shopping list, or when Lucas tells him he absolutely won’t do the dishes tonight, he’ll just do it tomorrow. Every little ordinary things Eliott was used to doing in his everyday life was now one more reason to fall deeper and deeper for Lucas, without a chance of escape. 

So many times he almost let slipped an I love you, or almost kissed him or just say fuck it and beg Lucas to give him a chance. He felt like he was losing his mind. And Idriss really didn’t help with that, but he still gave him the idea, in a way.

When Eliott can’t put his feelings into words, or when he is submerged by them, he turns to Art. That’s always been his escape. So he drew, more than he ever did, stretches of Lucas and cartoons of raccoons and hedgehogs, but it still always felt like it wasn’t enough. 

And then he realized how insecure Lucas was about himself. He always knew, of course, but he never realized it was at this extent, and living with Lucas was like a slap in his face when it came to that (like that time he caught Lucas looking at himself in dejection in front of the mirror when he was gonna ask him what took him so long in the bathroom, or when Lucas kept apologizing for having forgotten to get out the trash as if he was afraid Eliott would ever regret having him as a roommate). And Eliott tries to reassure him again and again of how wonderful he is, but he can only tell so much without it being too much.

And that’s how the notes began. He couldn’t do the drawings he usually did, because Lucas would have definitely recognized them, so he wrote. He writes little things he loves about Lucas, quotes some poems that makes him think of him, and sometimes writes long tirade that ends up becoming just long rambling mess about his Love for Lucas.... It is the perfect deal, really : he can give all of his love to Lucas, all of the love Lucas deserves, without the burden of it coming from him. 

Because no matter how much Lucas claims he is so upset he doesn’t know who his secret admirer is, Eliott can see the positive effect it has on him. How he smiles a bit more and seems to have gained more confidence in himself, finally. 

So yeah, Eliott is going to keep doing that as long as he can. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok so he knows he said how it was Idriss’ fault. Eliott really hated how insisting he was about telling Lucas the truth about his feelings. But he also knows that comes from a good intention, because Idriss always looks out for him. 

And spending time with Idriss is always fun. They’ve known each other since his first year of lycée, when Eliott was all alone and could only think about how much he wished Lucas was here. But then, Idriss came to him, asking him if he would like to eat with him at the self. Eliott actually instantly said no, so used of being the lone wolf and at a time he didn’t want to let anyone else in his life. It’s actually Lucas who gave him the ass kicking he desperately needed (I swear if you don’t go talk to him I’m gonna drag you to him by your ass myself, you dumbass), and after a time, Eliott accepted Idriss’ offers to spend time with him (although he has still no idea why he had kept trying for so long) and found out that Idriss was actually a great guy and an even greater friend. He was really grateful to have him in his life. Once again, he really has to thank Lucas. He doesn’t know how he would have ended up without his spiky best friend always there to kick his ass when needed. 

3 years latter and they were still as close as ever, even with idriss having graduated while Eliott is still in his last year of high school. It’s actually because of that that they took the habit of doing sleepovers. This time, it’s Eliott who went to the Bakhellal House. He loves going there, because Idriss’ parents love him and often cook him some really delicious meal for him to take home. Since he doesn’t really talk to his parents anymore, they kind of became his second family. 

They’re chilling in Idriss’ bedroom now, having just ended their call with Sofiane, another friend they made in highschool, who was traveling in Maroc. It was good to see him again, it had been a long time since they were able to do that. 

Now Idriss is talking to his sister, who is also Sofiane’s girlfriend and had came to visit him this week-end. And Eliott busies himself by texting with Lucas who is really bored right now, apparently. 

LUCAS : Please entertain me I have reduced to watching this stupid fishing emission !!

ELIOTT : You really can’t go on one night without me, huh ?

LUCAS : Calm down, CockyMan,I’m only asking you because Yann is busy with Laura...

ELIOTT : Are you telling me YANN HAVE REPLACED ME AS YOUR BEST FRIEND :’(

LUCAS : Never

you’ll always be the one I want to annoy the most :)

ELIOTT : Thanks god ^^

ELIOTT: So how is this fishing emission going ? 

LUCAS : I don’t know they’re talking about fishes, I guess...

And why are you talking about that ? You were supposed to entertain me !!

ELIOTT: I never agreed to those terms actually

LUCAS : sure you did !! We just came in agreement you were still my best friend !! 

it’s in you best friend contract !! 

ELIOTT: Oh there is a best friend contract now ? 

LUCAS : Yep. So it’s you job to entertain me.

I’m waiting 

ELIOTT : Well I got fired...

LUCAS : wait what ????

ELIOTT : From the calendar factory....

LUCAS : What ? What calendar factory ????

ELIOTT : Yes, and it’s really unfair!! All that because....

ELIOTT : ... I took a day off ;b

LUCAS : ...

Why did I even ask you ? 

ELIOTT : come on !!! It was a good one !!

LUCAS : ....

ELIOTT : You have to find it good !!

LUCAS : and why is that ? 

ELIOTT : Best friend contract !!

LUCAS : We really have to revise the rules of this contract....

And it only works if you do what you were asked for

ELIOTT : Fine, I know what will distract you. 

Food ? 

LUCAS : Eliott you’re never entering the kitchen without supervision ever ever again and that’s final. 

But tell me more

ELIOTT : Mrs Backhella made us her Vegetarian Lasagna !!

LUCAS : OMG IS THIS REAL LIFE ????? 

ELIOTT : YES !!!!!

LUCAS : WE’LL FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT !!!

PLEASE PROCLAIM TO HER MY UNDYING LOVE !!!!

ELIOTT : will do :)

LUCAS : Ok I have to go now, I just found out there is a documentary on the solar system on youtube how could I have missed it ?????????

ELIOTT : I see you don’t need me anymore ^^

LUCAS : I always need you 

I mean who else would distract me with the dumbest puns to ever exist, right ?

ELIOTT : Rude. 

LUCAS : Fine. it was a good joke, Grumpy

ELIOTT : :) :) :) :) :) :) !!!!!

Wait are you seriously calling ME Grumpy ? 

LUCAS : THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT BLACK HOLES THIS IS SO COOL !!!!!!!!

ELIOTT : Ok I’ll leave you two alone, good night :)

LUCAS : good night Eli :)

Eliott can’t help but smile probably very stupidly reading the messages. It really doesn’t take a lot for Lucas to have his heart jumping out of his chest, especially when he says things like I always need you, even though it’s not the first time Lucas tells him jokingly things like that. It makes him think of one of the notes he wrote for Lucas 3 weeks ago : 

//You really have no idea the power you have over me, don’t you ? I swear, you only have to do one gesture or say one simple thing to make me go nuts and I can’t think about anything else for the rest of my day. My heart beats faster than ever and I can’t even breathe and you just keep going on with your day, still so oblivious to what you can do to me. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. Probably the whole school is at your feet and you don’t even realize. I hope one day, you will see how much people love you.// 

Yeah, he rambled a bit on that one. But it happened after Lucas had gave him his Biggest Smile, the one that illuminates his face in a breathtaking way and reaches over his ears, the one that you can’t help but smile back to because it is so enrapturing, just because Eliott had told him what he did for lunch was pretty good. He couldn’t be blamed, really. 

Eliott hears Idriss saying bye to his sister and coming to his bed next to him, and he forces himself to stop thinking about that. For now. 

«I really envy him you know. Sofiane.», Idriss suddenly says, lying down on his own bed next to Eliott, starring at the ceiling

«Why ?», Eliott asks, although he already has an inkling 

«Because, you know...He does something with his life and I...»

«You’re taking a sabbatical year, Idriss, just like him»

«Yeah exactly», Idriss seems really frustrated so Eliott lets him talk «He’s using it for something, you know ? Like traveling, and working and shit. And he has this whole thing with the MJC. Imane has already all figured it out, of course. You definitely have a future, even if you don’t see it. And I just...spend my days at home, still living with my parents even when my own little sister has her own flat with Alexia, with no idea of what I’m doing next because I’m just too scared to mess up if I try something and...I don’t know...I just feel like I’ll be just staying still while everyone around me will just go around with their lives»

Eliott sighs. It’s not often Idriss lays done his cool persona, so it’s definitely something that weighs on him a lot. 

«Idriss, you will find something. And you’re lucky enough to have parents who support you and...»

«Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean....», suddenly says Idriss, stopping to stare at nothing to look at Eliott with guilty eyes 

«Yes, I know, that’s not what I wanted to say», Eliott reassures him, «But what I mean is...You have options. And you don’t have any set time to choose something. But you shouldn’t be afraid of taking chances either. Even if you screw up, you can still try something else, but you’ll never know if you don’t try....And you’ll never be left behind, no matter what.»

That seems to appease Idriss, a smile blossoms on his face and Eliott hears a muttered «thanks Dude», so he feels satisfied. He’s definitely less satisfied when he hears what’s coming next. 

«You should take your own advice, you know»

And yes, Eliott should have expected this conversation to go this way. He can still play idiot while he can tho. 

«What are you even talking about ?»

«You know what», says Idriss with a knowing gaze and it’s at this moment Eliott regrets having spilled his guts about his feelings for his best friend the second he had the chance once him and Idriss became friends. 

«Lucas» 

And Eliott tenses up immediately because now there is no doubt this is gonna be again this kind of talk.

But that doesn’t seem to bother Idriss so he continues :

«You shouldn’t be so afraid of taking chances with him either. You could be surprised»

Yeah. As if.

«Idriss, please...»

«No I won’t stop. This little guy loves you, maybe like you love him or maybe not, but he loves you. Even if you tell him, you won’t lose him. He’d be to stubborn to let you, you know that»

And Eliott fondly smiles at that because, yes, Lucas is a stubborn little shit and would never give up on someone he cares about like that. But he also knows that if he ever has to actually face the rejection, ever has to hear those kind words like I’m sorry Eliott I don’t feel the same way with a pitying look on his face....No he would never be able to handle it. It would break him, he knows that. And so Lucas would feel guilty, and it would become awkward, and nothing would ever be the same anymore just because Eliott always feels too much. It’s not worth it. 

«I can’t do that», he ends up saying

«Ok so what’s your plan then ?», ripostes Idriss, completely changing his tone from soft and concerned to exasperated «Pining after him you whole life ? Seeing him fall in love and get married with someone else while you outright refuse to move one ? Eliott you will have to tell him eventually, you’re gonna explode, otherwise !»

«Well I’m actually telling him, in a way, so it...»

«The love notes ? Seriously ? I already told you how stupid of an idea it is!»

«He’ll never know it was me. I’ll graduate, leave highschool and the notes will stop and he’ll understand it is no use to find out who it is»

«Right. Eliott, I know you. Once you start something you’re passionate about, you can’t stop. It’ll be even worse with this and you know that. Your stupid plan is gonna blow up in your face !»

And ok, Eliott really wants this conversation to be over right fucking now

«Stop talking like I have no control over myself...»

«Eliott, no, that’s not what I...»

«No I’m serious», Eliott says, ignoring his friend. He really hates to be treated like that «I can take care of myself, ok ? And I know what I’m doing, and I know Lucas is gonna break my heart one day, one way or another, I’m not an idiot ! But I won’t ever jeopardize what we have for nothing because there is no way he feels the same, and if I can find one small way to make me feel better about this, I’ll take it. It’s my life, it’s my feelings, and it’s my choice. So I know you want me to straight up tell him to his face but it won’t ever happen got it ?»

He doesn’t like to be harsh to people, he really doesn’t, but Idriss needs to let it go and to stop acting like Eliott is just a stubborn idiot who doesn’t know what’s better for him. He is tired of people treating him like this. 

«Ok», says Idriss, and by the look he gives Eliott, it is clear he understands he really shouldn’t push right now. And then he adds with a sly smile «You could never do anything straight anyway»

Eliott blinks at him for a few seconds before they both fall into laughter

«That was the worst gay joke you ever did, you know that right ?», says Eliott when they both calmed down 

«I’m in the fam’ too, dude, I have the right»

After that, they have this unspoken agreement to forget about this conversation and they settle into playing video games even though Eliott sucks at it. He proposed to watch a movie but, like always, Idriss refused because no Eliott you never shut up when we watch something I will never watch any movie with you ever again. But it’s ok because at least, Lucas always is in for watching a movie with him, even if Eliott indeed never shuts up about the cinematographie and all this things he finds fascinating and is always to engross about the said movie he doesn’t notice anything else around him. It’s with this thought that he falls asleep, a smile on his face. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A few days later, a Wednesday afternoon, it’s on his and Lucas’ couch that he falls asleep on. He didn’t mean to, really, but he had been working on his drawings non stop since he had came back to their flat 5 hours ago and after a time, his brain got tired but he didn’t want to stop and here he is. It often happens to him, to do that, and he really tried to stop because each time he ends up feeling sore everywhere for the rest of day and then can’t for the life of him fall asleep later on when he goes to bed. 

But now, he really can’t complain. Not when he is woken up by Lucas with soft words and soft hands in his hair. Actually, he would fall asleep like that everyday if that meant having this each time. 

When he finally open his eyes, it’s too the sight of bright blue beautiful ones. This fucking eyes who were just impossible to paint or draw, because he never seemed to do them justice. Those eyes who looks at him so tenderly now.

«Hey» says Eliott, his voice hoarse from sleep. 

He must look terrible now, all crumpled cheek and ruffled hair, maybe he even drooled in his sleep... But Lucas doesn’t seem to mind. Well, he definitely saw him in worst states. 

«Hey Sleepybear», Lucas answers with an amused smile, his hand still in Eliott’s hair and his face so close. Eliott smiles back, can’t help it, really, and for a moment it feels like something is happening, as if they were the only two people in the world and Eliott’s mind is only full with Lucas, Lucas, Lucas. 

Then, Lucas chuckles, leaves the couch and says he has bought Chinese for dinner (their Wednesday traditon), and the moment is gone. It was all probably in Eliott’s head anyway. 

«Did you just arrive ?», he asks while looking at the clock. Already 8pm. Damn, he really should control more his sleep schedule. 

«Yep. Imane really is a hard to please teacher»

Yeah, sounds like her. Which only makes her the perfect tutor for his best friend. 

He gets up and joins Lucas who is now putting their Chinese dinner in the kitchen. 

«And did you have a good day ?», Eliott continues

They haven’t seen each other at all today, because of Lucas having to work on his exam on biology and Imane helping him revise. And it is great that Lucas has friends here to help him when he needs it but, honestly, Eliott had missed him. 

«Yeah. I mean, this morning the classes were super boring. And like I said, Imane is really demanding but at least I’m making progress apparently so...»

«That’s good»

«Yeah, but don’t expect me to suddenly be fan of fucking biology tho»

Eliott is now in the kitchen, leaning against the wall, smiling teasingly while watching Lucas

«Oh I would never»

«I really don’t like the ton of your voice. And it’s not my fault !!»

«So whose fault is that then ?»

«Mrs Dynas. Traumatized me for life»

Oh yeah Eliott remembered their former teacher. They both unfortunately had her in college the same year, actually. She wasn’t really a bad person in itself but still spent her classes not making senses, mocking her students and her exams were dreaded by everyone.

«How did we call her again ?»

«I personally called her Sneazy...»

«...because she always sneezed on you specifically when she was sick I remember»

«Yeah I should have have called her Demon instead»

«Would have suited her»

«Damn right»  
They look at eachother, laughing at their younger-selves lack of luck

«And you still chose an S course after that, tho....», starts saying Eliott

«Oh fuck you, Mr. The Artist, not everyone is a litteraire racoon hypie who finds joy in dissecting one goddamn sentence for hours», Lucas replies with a frown but also a badly-hidden smile on his face. 

Eliott can’t help but chuckle at that

«I’m not a hippy. And you’re one to talk, Just last month, you spent an entire week obsessing over the rules of a game just because you couldn’t understand how you lost 10 ten times in a row and were convinced I cheated»

«Ok first», Lucas takes a step foward towards Eliott, «You did cheat and there is nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. And second...» Now he is just a step away, «You can’t say you’re not a damn hyppie when you still have some paint on your cheek, weirdo», he finishes with a teasing smile, moving his hand to Eliott’s jaw, probably to take away the said paint but all Eliott is only focus on Lucas’hands on his face, and it makes him think of a couple of minutes earlier when this same hand was in his hair and it is just so soft and god it feels so good, and he maybe is totally paralized for a second, and then an alarm goes off, and Lucas goes back to cooking. 

Eliott needs to breathe. 

So he takes a step back.

After a while, Lucas adds «no news from Mysterio tho...»

Mysterio is the nickname Lucas insisted on giving his secret admirer, even when Eliott tried to argue it didn’t really fit the character at all. But Lucas argued right back that it actually could fit since they didn’t know who it was and Eliott couldn’t really answer to that so he let it go. 

When he thinks about it, it is quite ironic how, even with a secret identity, he is still the target of Lucas’ nicknames. Not that it really bothers him. Lucas could call him Dumbie the Dumbest and Eliott would still find it the most endearing thing ever. 

«Well you know he doesn’t send you one everyday, it’s not a big deal», because, yes, Eliott isn’t stupid and knows that Lucas would not take long to figure it out if his ‘Mysterio’ didn’t send him notes each time Eliott couldn’t come to school for whatever reasons. 

Lucas only hums at that, still turning his back on Eliott while making dinner. He often has those kind of moments, when he doesn’t get notes and can’t hide his disappointment very well. Eliott can’t help but feel guilty each time, but he knows it is for the best.

Lucas recovers quickly, however, and turns his head towards Eliott : 

«What about you then ? Made any masterpiece today ?»

Eliott nods and then ducks his head, starting to feel his cheeks warm up at the throw away compliment. 

«You will let me see them ?»

Lucas always likes to see what Eliott does, even when it’s not really that great or interesting, but he also understood very quickly how protective Eliott could be over it so he never really pushes. Just another thing that makes him so amazing. 

«Yeah maybe», Eliott answers, and then, because he needs to change the subject if he wants the warm in his belly to go away so he can have a semblance of controle around his best friend «Also, Charles asked where you were in Maths and he looked very angry. What happened ?»

It wasn’t the first time someone was after Lucas. This boy has a tendency to piss people of with his fiery and grumpy aptitude. He has to let you know him for you to realize how kind and wonderful he actually is. 

«Nothing. He just once again wouldn’t take no for an answer when Manon told him to fuck off, so.. I kind of punched him when he asked me to help him with that»

«You what ???». says Eliott with an incredulous laugh

He shouldn’t be surprised though. When they were young, Lucas often fought with anyone who so much as looked at Eliott the wrong way. He could be very protective of the people he loved. 

Lucas only shrugs, and starts to look at him with his intense and defiant stare, the one that always makes Eliott wobble on the knees and unable to pronounce a single sentence.

«He was asking for it, Eliott. This guy is a real entitled asshole ! You should have heard what he said about Manon, and then he had the nerves to tell me she’s the one at fault like seriously ?? I swear I...»

«Hey hey», finally says Eliott, who has thankfully retook power over his body. He hates seeing Lucas upset and on the defensive, especially with him. So, without thinking, he takes the boy’s head between his palms which seems to instantly make him stop talking «I know he deserved it. I know. I’m not judging. Just...don’t get in trouble, ok ?»

«Ok», answers Lucas in a small voice. 

He is totally relaxed now, his eyes an ocean of dizziness, his face perfectly fitting Eliott’s hands, his lips...Eliott let go of him and takes a step back. He really has to stop imagine things that he knows are not there. 

Lucas stays still for a little while before saying the dinner is almost ready and asking Eliott to put everything in place. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Later, they both finished eating, on the couch, with their favorite cooking emission displaying on their  
TV (well Lucas’ mother TV, but she didn’t need it anymore so she gave it to them). 

Their plates are on the floor now, and Lucas has migrated from the end of the couch to Eliott’s side with his head on Eliott’s shoulder. And, right now, with his arm around Lucas’ body and his hand playing with the boy’s unruly and soft hair, feeling warm skin against him and Lucas’breath on his neck giving him goose bumps, Eliott thinks I could stay like this forever. It’s his favourite part of the day, the one he’s always holding on to during his very bad days, when he feels trapped inside his own mind. This sacred moment when it is just the two of them and they can cuddle on the couch watching a stupid emission, not thinking about anything else. But it’s also those kind of moments that makes it so much harder to remember that it is not like that and never will be. 

«God this is ridiculous»

Eliott didn’t really pay attention to what was happening on screen, so it takes him a while to understand what Lucas means. 

«You don’t just write love letters to someone knowing they’re gonna read it in front of cameras for the whole world to see. And for what, give them motivation to cook better ? That’s so dumb ! This shit is supposed to be personal !»

Lucas has his mouth full of the candies he insisted on buying last week, so it’s a bit hard to understand but also really fucking cute, and Eliott allows himself to look at him fondly, knowing Lucas’ attention is on the screen anyway. 

«I thought you weren’t a romantic ?», he teases, hinting at the number of times Lucas just rolled his eyes at some cheesy things couples did around them (except when it was someone they knew, because Lucas is actually a real softie). 

«I am not» says Lucas, levelling his head to stare at Eliott with a challenging glare, only for it to transform almost immediately into a nervous one with a blush on his cheeks «But just...You know...It’s stupid»

«Right»

«It is !! The whole concept of love letters is stupid and cliche anyway !! »

Eliott’s heart stops

«I though you liked your own love letters...»

Lucas suddenly tenses in his arms, and avoids Eliott’s eyes, reverting to stare at the TV again even though it’s clear he doesn’t pay it any attention anymore. He seems much more small and vulnerable now and Eliott only wants to hold him tighter. 

«Yeah ok I do», he ends up saying and Eliott can finally breath, «But...»

«Yeah ?»

«It’s still stupid of me to like them, you know ?»

He barely whisper those words, as if talking louder would just break the little control Eliott knows he has when he is like this. 

«Why ?», Eliott whispers right back

«Because whoever writes them...They probably don’t really mean it, you know ?»

Wait what ?

«What do you mean ?»

Lucas sighs, as if he’s just resigned now : 

«Well it’s probably just a joke...Or something like that...»

«Lucas, that’s stupid, of course it’s not....»

But Lucas doesn’t even seem to hear him, too enraptured in his own musings 

« Because, when you think about it...in the whole school, why would someone send letters to ME ? I’m not particularly intimidating or particularly anything else, so why would someone be so nervous to tell me they liked me, you know ?»

«Maybe because they like you too much...», starts saying Eliott, desperate to make Lucas understand. 

Lucas only scoffs at that, without any humor in it. 

«Yeah right...Why would anyone like me like that ?»

It’s the almost defeat in the boy’s voice that hurts the most. And not for the first time, Eliott asks himself how is it possible that such a kind, smart and beautiful human being could not see how wonderful he is. 

«Lucas...», he starts again, hoping that this time, his best friend will listen to him

But, as he prepares himself to tell Lucas how wrong he his, that his Mysterio loves him more than he could ever comprehend, he stops. Because that is not what Lucas needs right now, he knows that. This Lucas is more vulnerable than ever, and paying him unwanted compliments that he will not even believe will only make him feel even more so.

So. 

He takes the pillow next to him and hits Lucas with it. 

That succeedly breaks Lucas from his state, him sitting up with a what the fuck look on this face. When he sees Eliott raising his pillow again, he breaks from his stupor, raising a finger towards Eliott, like a teacher reprimanding his student (and no Eliott is NOT going there) :

«Eliott, don’t even think about doing that again !!»

But Eliott only laughs at that and hits him once again. 

«Sorry but you just said yourself you weren’t intimidating»

And then, finally, a smile blossoms on Lucas’ face, the mischievous smile Eliott loves so much :

«Oh it’s on, Hippyman»

After that, they break into a pillow-fight, the TV emission and their earlier discussion forgotten, and maybe they break some things around them and end up on the floor at some point, but none of that really matters. What matters is seeing Lucas smiling again, and laughing heartily again, squealing with joy when he manages to steal Eliott’s munitions (for Eliott’s defense, neing a witness of how strong Lucas actually is and feeling his damn muscles under his skin is really distracting)... Yeah. That is all that matters.

An tomorrow, he knows Lucas will have another note in his locker :

//Your laugh could really light up the entire world. If I could I’d do anything to make you laugh every single hour of everyday of your life. You deserve to only feel sheer joy, always.// 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Lucas was right : Charles is a real asshole. 

It has been at least a week since Lucas punched him and since then, he had only talked shit about him and Eliott of course had to hear about all of this since Charles was sat just a row behind him in class. 

At first he didn’t say anything, because he knew that it would only make the situation worse for Lucas and Charles woudn’t listen anyway. But it was really, really hard the more time he had to hear what Charles said about him. 

He had tried to concentrate on class, and on Lucas who had practically begged him not to do anything, but it wasn’t working either. 

So he picked one of his old habits to calm himself down : making art. He had fun trying to draw evryone in the class each in different ways and settings that he felt suited them the best, made all other sorts of drawings he ususally did and of course many were about Lucas, because Art and Lucas were the two best things in the entire universe and combined they could only lift up Eliott’s mood. So he probably did a million little doodles of hedgehogs and raccons being in love and happy together in parallel universes. 

He started to immerse himself more and more in it, making sure to not be caught by his teacher (Lucas always teased him that he became a real ninja expert at that and fortunately he was right), which also turned sometimes into making even more notes for his boy. 

So here he is, with with drawings and writings everywhere in his otherwise blank page. He doesn’t even hear Charles anymore, too concentrate in what he does, which is a blessing, really. 

//Thinking about you always makes my day better.// 

//You are so beautiful it almost hurts to look at you sometimes.// 

//These arms of mine  
They are burning  
Burning from wanting you  
These arms of mine  
They are wanting  
Wanting to hold you  
And if you  
Would let them hold you  
Oh how grateful I will be  
\- Otis//

//You eyes are like an entire universe on their own. I can’t help but drown into them every time you look at me...//

//And you are so smart !! I see you at the library sometimes and you pick up books i don’t even understand the title off but when i hear you talk about it with your friends you make it sound like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and you are so passionate I can’t even look away in those moments, even if you don’t see me... //

That was enough notes for today, he thinks. If he kept it up, he wouldn’t even be able to give them all to Lucas before the end of school. 

Or maybe he could find another way to put them in his locker next year...

But yeah, he really was on a roll today. And it felt good, really good, because the last couple of days had been tough. He couldn’t leave his bed and the only person he interacted with was Lucas, who, as usual, had been a real life angel, patiently being there for Eliott without suffocating him, knowing exactly what he needed. 

He was feeling better now, even if he was still cautious and a bit on edge, at least he could concentrate on his drawings and feel the satisfaction of creating something, finally, of pouring all of his feelings on paper. 

Suddenly, the bell made itself heard. Well. Never in his life had a math classes seem so short. It’s actually a miracle he wasn’t caught this time. And he didn’t even think about Charles. 

Oh, well, he spoke too soon apparently, he thinks while watching Charles get out of the class and who is once again talking about Lucas. 

«Really this guy is just a pussy, like defending this bitch, he’s really just a fag who wanted to make himself look important to...»

«Can you please shut up for once ?

He didn’t really mean to say anything but he really couldn’t help it this time. He was so done with this guy. It was stronger than him. 

And by the way Charles stops and looks at him he can guess it was a bad idea, but it was for Lucas so he isn’t gonna stop now, damn the consequences. Maybe Lucas will be pissed but he will understand, eventually. 

«What did you just say, dude ?», starts Charles in a way that is probably meant to be both mocking and menacing but it only makes him look constipated. And Eliott is usually a nice guy, really. He always tries to smile at strangers, to be kind with people even when he’s not really in his element, because he knows how much a simple act of kindness can help you and make you feel better on your very bad days, but he has his limits. And when someone can’t stop talking shit about the man he loves, he really doesn’t feel like being nice. 

«You heard me», he simply answers

«Ok, what is your problem ?», Charles says, still trying so hard to intimidate Eliott. Yeah good luck with that.

«Oh nothing. I have no problem with entitled assholes who think every girl should be at their feet and talk shit about my best friend»

He really should stop right now, he knows that. He made his point. And it’s not like it will change anything about how Charles act with people around him, after all. But Charles doesn’t seem to think the conversation is over and Eliott will be damned if he lets him have the last word. A really Lucas thing to do, he realizes. Well, maybe Lucas will actually be proud and not pissed, after all. 

«Eliott, it’s really not your business, so please don’t embarass yourself over this you’re ridiculous right now». 

It’s the most condescending tone Eliott has ever heard. And he has heard a lot of a condescending tone. If Charles really thinks it will be enough to get him to back down...

«Actually it is my business. I don’t know Manon very well but she’s still important to someone I care about. And honestly I find it a bit sad that you have such a fragile ego you can’t handle one girl rejecting you. You’re the one embarrassing yourself, Charles...»

Charles now has gone all white and, hearing the second bell, Eliott realizes it’s actually just the two of them, because apparently everyone else has gone to class. They should go too. But, again, Eliott can’t stop now. 

«And as for Lucas, well, he’s a far better person than you could ever dream to be. So I’m not gonna let you talk about him like that anymore, because you don’t even deserve to speak his name and...»

He’s interrupted by Charles...Laughing ?

And this time Charles seems to have regain power, but Eliott doesn’t know why. All he knows is that he has a smug smile on his face, a malecious look in his eyes, and this is not good. 

«Oh yeah I know how much Lucas is soooooo wonderful»

Ok Eliott is really confused now

«What are you...»

«I mean his eyes are the universe, and he has so beautiful golden skin, and his smile makes you feel alive, and he probably also shits rainbows out of his ass....Am I right ?»

A really unconfortable feeling settle in Eliott. This really sounds a lot like like his...But how...

«Seriously Eliott ? You really think I didn’t notice you writing this stupid notes in class ? I’m right behind you, idiot...»

Yeah definitely really really not good. Eliott hadn’t even thought about Charles looking at what he was doing in class, he though he was just too busy saying stupid stuff. 

«I don’t even know what you’re talking about»

Playing dumb is really useless, he knows that, but he just...Can’t think about doing anything else right now...No one knows about it, appart from Idriss and he chose to tell him. He really doesn’t know what to expect from Charles right now. He’s so deep in shit. 

«You’re seriously going to deny it ? ok...»

And, so quickly that Eliott doesn’t realize what he’s doing until it’s too late, he reaches into the pocket of Eliott’s back and gets out of it all of the notes he wrote today. But he doesn’t stop there. 

Charles then just... walks past Eliott, which only serves to confuse him once again, but when he turns around him to ask him what the fuck he’s doing he suddenly wishes he didn’t.  
«Take that, I think you’d like to have a look at this», Charles simply says, before walking away, giving what he’s taken from Eliott to the person it has always belonged to.

Lucas. 

No. No no no no no no no. This can’t be happening. 

But the scene still continues, too slow and too fast at the same time. 

He can’t move, or say anything. 

He just hears his heart pounding so loudly probably the whole school is hearing it too. 

And Lucas doesn’t even look at Eliott, instead looking at the notes and drawings. 

«Eliott...What is that ?»

And Eliott can’t even answer. He feels like throwing up. God this is nightmare, this can only be a fucking nightmare. 

But Lucas still needs an answer so Eliott summons a bit of courage and manages to say in a shaking voice

«I...I can explain», which is the most cliche thing he could have ever said but apparently his brain has decided to leave for a moment. 

But before he can try to say anything more, Lucas lifts his head to look at him, and Eliott is speechless, again. 

He can only read hurt and...anger on the boy’s face. And disappointment ? Yes of course there is disappointment, what did he expect ? 

And it kills him, so much, that he’s the reason for all of this. 

But he still can’t say anything because this is not real it can’t be fucking real, he has no idea what to do and...

«Forget it» suddenly says Lucas before running away, the notes still in his hands. 

Eliott finally finds the common sense to scream a «wait» and to run after him, but it’s too late, Lucas is too far and he can’t find him. 

So he just ends up collapsing on the nearest wall and starts crying, his head on his knees. 

This is a disaster, a real fucking disaster. 

And, once again, he only has himself to blame. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He tries to talk to him, again and again and again. 

Naively, Eliott thought that since they fucking live together, Lucas couldn’t possibly avoid him forever. He thought that there was no way the conversation wouldn’t come up soon, and that he could explain everything, finally. And as much as he was dreading it, he told himself that at least, that way, he would be done and he won’t have to lie anymore, and it wouldn’t be worse than this, this constant silence. 

Well he he had been wrong. At every corner. And he should have known, because Lucas always finds a way somehow, when he doesn’t want to do something. And so Lucas has avoided him perfectly. He never was at home during the day, during the week end he was either at Imane’s working on his biology essays or at Yann’s playing Fifa with the gang. He always came back late at night or didn’t come back at all, spending the night at his friends’ house. The morning, he stayed in his room, having locked the door (Eliott didn’t even know he could until then), or just left very early. 

Eliott had tried to confront him at school, because it’s not like Lucas can just run away from school and he knows the boy’s schedule and the location of his locker by heart. But even with that, Lucas has succeeded to avoid him. He doesn’t even know how but then again, it’s Lucas, he always find a way to surprise him. 

He had to remind himself that this was Lucas, his best friend, whi just needed time and would never just decide to stop talking to Eliott like that because of Eliott’s feelings for him. He just needed time. It was still hard to wait tho. 

For three weeks, it lasted like that, three very long agonazing weeks of Eliott having no idea what to do or what his best friend was even thinking, something he was really not used to. And then, finally, one evening, Lucas had knocked on his bedroom’s door and Eliott’s heart had jumped out when he realized that Lucas was finally ready to talk, that this was happening.

And, despite his better judgement, he couldn’t repress the little ball of hope that had taken place inside him. Maybe Lucas just needed time and had now realized that he still liked the notes. Maybe he had realized he actually felt the same way. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. 

Well, in retrospective, he would have prefered to not talk at all about this. He still remembers it so vividly and god how he would give anything to erase it from his memory. 

////////

Lucas’ face was guarded. He didn’t even sit on the bed next to Eliott like they usually did for their late night talk when one of them couldn’t sleep, instead standing still at the entrance of the room. Like strangers. Eliott tried to not let it hurt, tho, because at least Lucas was here and that meant they were finally going to talk. 

«Hey», Eliott said with what he hoped was a comforting smile, despite his racing heart. 

«Hey», responded Lucas, but still so far away and with an edge to his voice, as if he was dreading this conversation as much as Eliott did. 

«So...I’m sorry for avoiding you»

«It’s ok, I understand»

And Eliott really did, because if there was one person at fault in all of this, it was him. That only seemed to frustrated Lucas even more, though, and he began fidgeting and playing nervously with his hands.

«Eliot, stop it, it’s not...You probably didn’t... I mean...I shouldn’t have reacted like that. Not without even trying to talk to you first. I should have...»

« Lucas I’m the one who lied to you for months. I get it, really»

It felt weird to talk about it to Lucas like that. He never expected him to ever find out. And that’s when he really realized how fucked up all of this actually was. Being so selfish he couldn’t keep it all to himself and had to burden Lucas with it, his own best friend and probably love of his life, without him even knowing, and going behind his back, making him believe someone he could like actually liked him when it was just Eliott. He couldn’t blame Lucas for feeling betrayed and disappointed. 

«It’s ok, really. I know why you did that»

«You do ?», Eliott uttered, feelings his pulse quickens even more if that was possible. 

And, well, of course he knew, the notes didn’t really leave up to interpretations. But that’s the moment he had always dreaded, happening right now and god he was really not ready. He tried to calm himself down by adjusting his position on the bed and avoiding Lucas’s eyes but, suffice to say, it really wasn’t working...

«Don’t worry I know you don’t have any feelings for me»

...

What ? 

«I mean I know I’m like your little brother and you’ve always felt responsible for me so...»

What the fuck was he saying ???

«But I’m not a kid anymore, Eliott. I didn’t need you to do that, ok ?»

Eliott had the sudden urge to say that, believe him, he was more than well aware that Lucas wasn’t a kid but he couldn’t say anything he was just so...confused ? And Lucas didn’t even look in his direction, which really didn’t help. And he still continued with his monologue : 

«And I know...I know you were just trying to sheer me up, I mean you always tried to give me more confidence and all but that was really not the way to do it, that was just... You know for a moment, I actually really really believed in it, that I could finally...I mean I feel very stupid right now, so...Yeah that was not your best idea»

Oh. 

Ok. 

Ok Eliott understood now. 

And, in a way, it was almost worst than any other types of rejections he was sure was going to happen. Because, apparently, the idea of them was so ridiculous in Lucas’ mind that he couldn’t even think of it even faced with such evidences. «like your little brother», he said.

He didn’t expect it to make him feel like he was stabbed through he heart. But it did. Actually, it hurt even more than that. He could barely breath. And he had been hurt before, a lot, because of his love for Lucas. But never like this. Because this felt so much more like the confirmation he had always been afraid to hear. And, this time, it really felt like heartbreak. 

He felt his eyes starting to sting and his throat tightening, and he was grateful Lucas still wasn’t looking at him because he didn’t even manage to cool down his expression. 

But of course that was Lucas’ reaction. Because Lucas never felt the same way and would think him stupid if Eliott told him. And Eliott was. He was so so fucking stupid. Lucas was oblivious to all of it, still couldn’t see all the feelings bursting from Eliott and it will never change. No matter what Eliott does, he will always be just the «big brother» for Lucas, there to «give him confidence» and help him get with someone else while he has to watch at the sideline. 

Fuck.

« I’m sorry», Eliott managed to say eventually

There is another bit of silence before Lucas looks up at him again, his expression still as guarded as ever

«It’s ok. Just promise me you won’t do it again. Because seriously, that was a bit ridiculous, to be honest», Lucas ended up saying with a little scoff. 

And that was another punch in the gut.

He couldn’t even be angry at Lucas because it’wasn’t his fault. It was just Eliott’s, for always, always, feeling too much and being a «stupid dreamer», like Lucille said at the end of their relationship. It wasn’t Lucas’ fault that he rejected Eliott far harsher than Eliott had ever expected him to, because he didn’t even know he was rejecting him in the first place. 

But still, that’s what Eliott felt. Anger. All he could think about in that moment is that he gave Lucas his heart with those notes and all Lucas thought to do was to basically throw them in his face and to say that they were «ridiculous». 

«Well I’m sorry if that was not enough for you...»

That seemed to at least trigger some emotions on Lucas’ face, who was now frowning at Eliott :

«Are you serious ?»

«Well yeah, I’ve done that for months and Ok I shouldn’t have lied but I did it for you so you could at least say thank you...»

And god how much he hated himself in that moment, but he just couldn’t stop. All the hurt, all the feelings he kept bottled inside were all getting out now in the worst way possible, lashing out on the person that deserved it the least. 

So, like a complete idiot, he kept going, letting out a bitter laugh that he only reserved when he was really pissed with someone, and Lucas knew that. 

«Eliott why are you like this ?»

Oh well if he wanted to know : 

«I’m like this because I...I’m tired of always having to be there. I’m tired that...Whatever I do it’s never enough for you and you’re just going on with your life and...»

«Well I’m sorry I’m such an inconvenience for you, Eliott», and this time Lucas was really pissed and yeah, for a moment, that felt good. But Eliott could also hear hurt in his voice, no matter how Lucas tried to hide it, and shit shit shit what the hell did he do. 

«Seriously why should I be grateful about, huh ? You’re the one who took me for a fool for months, you listened to me talking about Mysterio while knowing it was you, I bet you found it oh so funny, poor little Lucas who actually thought someone could like him. And if you’re so tired of having to be there for me then don’t worry you don’t have to bother anymore, I can perfectly managed without you, I don’t need you»

There were tears in his eyes and god Eliott really fucked this up, didn’t he ?

«Lucas, I didn’t mean...»

«You know what, fuck you !! I came here to talk to you and...Really, fuck you, Eliott... I never thought you would ever do something like that, it’s like I don’t even know you !! Just...You’re such an asshole»

And with this words, he left. 

/////////

After that, the situation had only gotten worse. This time it was not the type of avoidance that Eliott knew meant Lucas just needed time. This time it was born out of anger and, coming from Lucas, that made it so much more real. Lucas blocked Eliott on absolutely everything. He barely even set foot in their flat and when they crossed path and Eliott tried to start a conversation, Lucas just shut him up with a stare full of anger and hurt. Eliott ended spending most of his days and night at Idriss’, because he had already messed up so much, he wasn’t gonna add to that kicking Lucas out of his own home. 

The flat always felt too empty without him anyway. 

So.

At least he gets to eat Mrs. Backhella’s food. 

Lucas would be jealous. 

Damn it. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

«Eliott it has to stop»

Eliott doesn’t even look up from where he is, opting instead to still stare blankly at his book which has been opened at the same page for...a while now. He doesn’t know and honestly, he doesn’t care.  
And if he ignores Idriss, maybe he’ll go away and Eliott will continue to do this for the rest of the day. That’s what he did for two weeks after all. And it’s great. Amazing. 

When he arrived the first night at the house, probably in tears, he told everything that happened to Idriss because he really needed to get it out of his chest. But after that, it was never brought up again and Eliott had naively thought Idriss would let it go. 

«Eliott, you’re not deaf and I’m really fed-up right now, so could you at least look at me ?»

Ok so that isn’t gonna work today. And anyway, Idriss has done a lot for him recently. And if there is one thing he hates, it’s being a burden to people. 

«Look Idriss, I’m sorry for having stayed here so long, but I’m looking at other flats, it’s just that they’re really expensive and I’m not sure my parents would...»

«Oh stop it, you can stay for however long you want, my parents love you, I told you that»

Idriss pauses for a few seconds before going to sit next to Eliott on the couch, which Eliott hasn’t left since this morning. 

«I didn’t make you talk about it for two weeks because I wanted to give you space. But Eliott, you can’t stay like this forever»

«I’m fine»

He knows Idriss won’t believe him and has only good intentions at heart but...He really doesn’t want to talk about it. What good could that do anyway ? He already feels like his heart is ripped in half, he doesn’t need to take a look at the wound once again. And he feels tired. So so tired. Like he’s emotionnally drained but it’s still different from when he has an episode. A new type of hurt. And the one person he knows would automatically makes him feel better is the one person that he’s hurting over. 

And worse thing is, he knows he’s the only to blame. God he hates himself so much. He really can’t blame Lucas for probably never wanting to see his face ever again. 

So see ? No reasons to talk about it. 

But, as expected, Idriss doesn’t stop there

«Eliott... You barely eat. I know you don’t sleep either. The only times you get up to do something is to go to school and that’s only because my parents kicked your ass into it. And you have this miserable face on every time of the day so please, don’t tell me you’re fine»

Eliott still stares stubornely at this stupid book (he doesn’t even know what it’s about), but he still feels tears coming in his eyes and fuck no he’s not doing that again. 

«Eliott you have to...I don’t know...Do something»

«Like what ?»

He really hates the fact that Idriss can probably hear his voice breaking. 

«Like talk to him ? I know you said he refuses to listen to you but....»

«No»

He really doesn’t want to hear it 

«Eliott....»

«Idriss stop...»

« If you explained to him...»

«No Idriss ! It’s too late, ok ? It won’t make any difference anyway because I’ve been a real asshole and...and he doesn’t see me like that so...I can’t do anything I...It was gonna...It was always gonna happen and I...I lost him Idriss I really lost him I....»

His last words turn into an uncomprehensible mess because he apparently starts sobbing and before he knows it, Idriss is putting his arms around him, craddling him protectively. Eliott doesn’t know how long he keeps crying like that, in Idriss’s arms, but he has to admit it really feels good to let it go, even though he still feels like shit.

When he calms down, Idriss starts whispering to him :

«Hey it’s gonna be ok alright ? I know how you feel and...well not really but I have some idea and I can tell you that, you know, it gets better. But only if...»

That immediately picks Eliott’s interest. Well to be honest, he could hold on to anything to distract himself : 

« Idriss what are you talking about ?», he says while drying his tears, with a somehow still shaking-voice. 

But Idriss just looks at him with a blase look and even laughs a little as if there was a private joke between them here :

«Oh come on you know what I’m talking about...»

«No I really don’t»

And it’s the truth, because Idriss never talked to him about someone in particular that would have really caught his eyes. He had only been serious with one person before (a girl named Ingrid and let’s just say it was a good thing the two of them didn’t last), but he never felt like Idriss ever pined after her or was even hurt after it was over. Maybe he has a crush on Sofiane then ? Well it could be a little fucked up considering his sister is dating him but it could make sense, they are pretty close after all...

«Oh come on Eliott stop that, we both know...»

But his voice dies down when he actually looks at Eliott and must see the sincere confusion on his face behind the wet eyes. 

«Wait you...You really don’t know ?»

«Well not really...»

«Oh Ok huh...»,Idriss removes his arms from around Eliott to put them on his face, as if he wants to hide now, «God this is a little bit embarrassing here...» 

He seems really anxious, which is a bit odd because he is rarely that. So Eliott tries to reassure him, forcing himself to grow out of his miserable state : 

«Come on Idriss, whoever it is I’m not gonna judge you. You know that, right ?»

And, after a little bit of hesitation :

«Is it Sofiane ?»

At this, Idriss cracks up a smile and picks a look at Eliott, lowering his hands

«You know, sometimes I really forget how dumb you can be»

Before Eliott can say anything to that he continues

«It was you idiot. I had a crush on YOU»

«W-What ?»

He must have heard wrong, he definitely heard wrong. Or Idriss is playing a prank on him, to cheer him up. There are no other explanations, no way...

While Eliott feels completely lost, Idriss, however, seems to have regain his usual confidence : 

«Oh come on Eliott you really had no idea ? Why do you think I wanted to hang out with you so bad ? I was so into you I thought it was obvious like....Dude I offered you flowers the first time we went to lunch together !»

Oh. Yeah when he tinks about it...Oh god yeah he had been a real real idiot. And an horrible friend. Shit.

«Idriss I swear I didn’t know I...»

But Idriss only waves him off, still smiling 

«Don’t worry I moved on quickly. I mean it wasn’t really easy at first, because, you know...You’re you. But you made it pretty clear from the start that I could never compete so...»

‘Never compete’, what... ? 

Oh fuck. 

He now has a vivid image of when he was having this first lunch with Idriss and couldn’t shut up about...Him. Oh shit...Did he seriously do the exact same thing to his friend he had always been afraid of receiving ? He’s a real real shitty person... 

«God Idriss I’m so sorry about that I never meant to hurt you I...»

«Hey don’t worry I know. To be honest, I thought that was just your way of letting me down easy...And like I said it really helped me realize that holding onto this crush was stupid since, you know, there was no way you could ever like me back. No feelings left, I swear»

And shit, Eliott still feels the pang in his stomach even though it’s not about that but...

Idriss tries to smile jokingly at Eliott but then seems to realize what he said :

«No Eliott...Don’t do this. You know I didn’t mean it like that...»

Eliott only shrugs, feeling even more like an idiot if that was possible. He really hates that the subject is on the table again. He actually would rather like to still talk about Idriss’ former crush on him and his oblivious ass, but he also feels like he kind of owes Idriss to listen to him about that now. 

«You told me many times I should try to move on, tho...»

«Yes, and I maintain what I said, but...With Lucas....You could never have moved on that easily, or at all, while staying friends with him. Not forever, anyways and...If you want to get better you have to...»

«What ?»

«Well like I said I have an idea about how you feel. And...Well my point was that I only moved on completely because I thought you knew and that you had rejected me. That’s why I’m insisting on you having a real honest conversation with him, to get closure. And after that, if he rejects you, it will hurt like hell but believe me it will be much easier to move on»

«He already rejected me»

«No. Not really. In your case, you have to really get it out of your chest and for him to clearly tell you if you want to move on. And hen deserves to know he’s doing it, don’t you think ?»

That...actually seems reasonable when you say it like that. It’s not like he has anything else to lose at this point since his relationship with Lucas is ruined anyway, because of him. But...

«I can’t. Even if I manage to corner him so we could talk, which would be a miracle in itself, he won’t listen to me. I know him, he hates confrontations like that and he’s gonna feel very vulnerable so he will do anything in his power to stop the conversation because he won’t want me to see it and...»

Idriss puts his hand on Eliott’s shoulder with a reassuring smile, cutting Eliott’s rambling :

«You don’t have to tell him face to face then»

«What do you mean ?»

«Well, you’ve been writing him love letters for months, now. What is one more ?»

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Please don’t put this in the trash, or burn it, or whatever you want to do with it. I just want you to read what I have to say and after that you can do whatever you want. So if you listened, prepare yourself because this is a long one.  
So yeah, it’s me. Mysterio aka Eliott aka an absolute idiot.  
I really want to start by saying that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I never should have lied to you for that long, and I definitely never should have talked to you like that. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m more that honored to have been your best friend, even if I have been a shitty one in the end.  
I also wanted to tell you that you’re wrong. I know you hate it when people say that to you but sorry, that’s true. I didn’t do that because I wanted to sheer you up. I mean, it was partly because of that but it wasn’t just for that. I also did that for me. Because...I’m in love with you. I’m so fucking in love with you, you have no idea. Yep, I, Eliott Demaury, loves you, Lucas Lallemant. I have loved you from the first moment I met you. God you have no idea how weird it feels knowing that you will actually read this (hopefully). It actually feels good, in a way. No more secrets between us. And, don’t worry, I know you don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. Really. Even if, sometimes, I stupidly hoped, I never actually thought for real that you could ever see me like this. You’re far too much out of my league. But I still needed to let you know how loved how were, how fucking head over heels for you I am, so I did that. Not my best idea, I know. I fooled myself into thinking it would all go smoothly and that there were absolutely nothing wrong with it, but I was so wrong. No matter my attentions I never should have gone behind my best friend’s back like that. I never should have give you hope when it was just me. I forced my feelings onto you when you’ve never asked for it, I lied to you for years, and I kind of played you in some sick game just because I was terrified of facing up and telling you how I felt and it was stupid and definitely not okay. But I really want you to know that I meant it. Every single words of all this notes that I gave you (and all the ones that I never had the time to). You’re worth so much more than you think Lucas, seriously, you are everything. I know I will not be the only one to love you like that. And I know that’s not an excuse. I should have told you all of this in person, but we both know I’m not brave, not like you. I always tend to run away and hide my head in the sand, and I was scared shitless of changing things and losing you. Because, Lucas, I really don’t want to lose you. Ever. I promise I will get over it eventually, and I would do anything, absolutely anything, for you to forgive me.  
So if you want to talk, I’ll be at the flat to get the rest of my things tomorrow at 4 pm. I’m guessing that even if you do forgive me and want to stay my friend you’ll probably be more comfortable if we don’t live together so I’m searching for a new appartment but don’t worry, I will continue to pay my share of the rent until you find a new roommate. Maybe you can ask Arthur, since his mum is gonna move to Canada...  
Anyway, I hope I will see you soon.  
Love,  
Eliott. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Eliott is in front of the door, and he’s just stuck there, unable to move his legs or to do anything else right now. He feels like his heart is gonna burst out any moment now. The weight of his bag, even empty, is straining on his shoulder. For the hundredth ties he passes his hand through his hair, and Idriss would kill him for this for all the time he put into making them somehow decent and not to make them look like he just rolled out of the bed (only Lucas could rock that look) but anyway Idriss is not the one that is literally (maybe, hopefully or maybe hopefully not he really doesn’t know anymore) a door away from his soulmate about to have the scariest conversation of his life. He thinks again and again of the letter he wrote to Lucas. He rewrote it so many times because he wanted to be perfect but it never was so Idriss ended telling up to just «stop being an annoying bitch and send it already». Which he did. Oh god he actually put the letter in the locker how did he even manage to do that ? And now he can’t stop thinking about how it could have been better, how he could have chosen better words and maybe he wasn’t even clear enough or maybe too clear and... 

But in any case that actually means that Lucas knows now...And he really doesn’t want to think about that because it’s an extremely terrifying thought but he also kind of does because...At least now he doesn’t have to lie anymore. He really didn’t realize the weight of his shoulders it would lift, to do that. After all this years of pretending...But that also means that now he can’t turn back. It’s there, out of the open and...God he’s gonna throw up, he’s so gonna throw up he’s not ready to face him he can’t...

No, Eliott, breathe, you can do this. It’s Lucas. No matter what he’s still your best friend. And this conversation, it’s needed, like Idriss said. It wIll be like ripping of a band-aid. 

Yeah he really should open this fucking door now. Ok let’s go.

Eliott takes a deep breath, opens the door and step into the flat. Once he’s in he quickly realizes that it’s empty and the lights are off. So...He didn’t come, actually. Well ok, that’s fine. He can’t blame Lucas for needing time,it’s totally natural...Yeah it’s totally fine. He could actually laugh right now, with all the freaking out he did earlier for nothing. But anyway, he also has other things to focus on. He goes to his room and starts putting his stuff into his bag. Most of the fournitures actually belong to Lucas’ parents so he doesn’t have to worry about that at least. 

He can’t help but think how wrong it feels to be alone in the flat, packing...He looks around and sees so many memories. Things that will never happen again because he ruined it. Maybe it’s actually for the best Lucas didn’t come because ELiott really isn’t sure he’s gonna manage to hold it together. He really hopes Idriss was right saying he’ll be okay eventually because right now...It hurts like a bitch. 

And that’s when he hears the front door open. More quickly than he thought he was capable off, he lets go of the few clothes he had in hand and scrambled off his room while almost falling down and then he’s at the front door, and Lucas, love of his love, holly shit he’s really here, seemingly completely out of breath and probably sweating and still the most beautiful thing Eliott has ever seen. It’s been so long since he last saw him god. 

«Sorry I...There was Yann and the bus was late and....»

«Don’t...Don’t worry about it»  
It’s a real miracle Eliott is able to pronounce full sentences. 

There is an awkward silence then, in which Eliott just stares dumbly and Lucas looks at him strangely, like he is seeing him for the first time which...understandable. How is Eliott even breathing right now ?

«So...I got your letter», finally says Lucas, altho that really doesn’t help Eliott calm down

«Oh», is all Eliott manages to say 

«Did you mean it ?»

And...Here it goes, right ? No turning back. 

«Yeah. I did» Those three words makes him feel like he just said uttered a whole speech. He’s already even more out of breath than Lucas is right now. But he doesn’t stop there. Lucas is here and it’s probably his only chance to tell him, face to face, and he can’t waste it, « I love you, Lucas. For real. And it doesn’t have to be awkward, I’ll move on, I promise. I’m not gonna lie it’ll probably take time but...» But he’d rather do that than lose Lucas, even if he’s not completely sure he even wants to move on in the first place. He can’t even look at Lucas right now, or say anything else. And then :

«God you’re such an idiot»

Before he has the chance to say anything to this, Eliott feels warm and soft lips on his own and hands on his hair and...what ??? His brain freezes for a second before he has the mind to kiss back and fucking hell is he kissing Lucas ??? What is happening ?? He pushes this thought on the corner of his mind for now tho, because holly shit he’s kissing Lucas and that’s all that should matter right now. His hands go instinctively on the boy’s head and in his hair and their lips part and Lucas tastes so good it’s so fucking addicting Eliott could do this forever. They keep kissing for a few minutes or maybe hours or fucking days Eliott has no idea and he doesn’t give a crap, it’s like he’s been waiting for that his whole life (well he kind of did) and it’s so much better than he ever imagined it would be fuck. And then, far too soon for his liking, it’s over. For a moment they just regain their breath, foreheads touching and Eliott still closing his eyes. He really doesn’t want to open them because shit it feels like a dream and he never wants to wake up.

He still ends up doing it tho, and he’s faced with Lucas who is so close and smiles at him and what the fuck is this really happening ?? He feels something like hope spreading in him, against his best instinct. 

«I don’t want you to move on, Eliott»

Oh god 

«you don’t ?» 

Lucas shakes his head, and with their head so close to each other it makes it unconfortable but Eliott really doesn’t care. 

«No. I...I love you too»

Lucas doesn’t say anything else for a moment, which is good because Eliott really feels he needs some time to collect himself right now. Shit. This is happening. Lucas just told him he loved him. Fucking Lucas told him he loved him. How is this real life. After a while a big smile that he can’t stop spreads on his face and he also feels maybe his eyes tearing up and god he was right earlier he’s so not gonna handle he can’t believe this shit. 

«And, those notes they...I don’t know. For a moment it made me believe that maybe there was someone out there who actually loved me, because I was so sure you didn’t, and I thought I could move on with him you know ? But I never could get you out of my mind and...By the way you’re not moving from this flat either, if you believe for one second I will let you go after that you...»

He’s cut off by Eliot kissing him. He really can’t help it, Lucas just told he loved him what was he supposed to do and apparently he can now so yeah he wasn’t gonna be able to stop himself, and he found that kissing Lucas is rapidly becoming his favorite thing to do so he’s never ever gonna stop. He gives Lucas a thousand kisses, whispering thousands of «I love yous» in between, which makes Lucas giggle a bit and it’s the most amazing sound ever and it also makes kissing a bit difficult but who cares Lucas Lallemant fucking loves him !! Lucas ends up stopping it tho, once again : 

«Eliott, Eliott wait...We have to...Eliott»

Eliott calms down at that, managing to stop kissing Lucas now but not moving away either, which doesn’t seem to bother Lucas at all, Lucas who has now rosy cheeks and puffed up lips and a dazed look in his eyes he’s never seen before and god he’s so fucking beautiful  
«Eliott. We have to promise, no more lies ok ? From now on, we’re completely honest with each other»

«I promise», whisper Eliott. Because there is no need for secrets anymore. Because apparently his love for Lucas that he kept hidden for so long is not only welcome but also returned and he’s not sure if he could really believe it but what he knows is that he’s not gonna live in his water-down version of himself anymore. He’s gonna give Lucas everything, no more holding back. 

«Good», answers Lucas with a smile, and now seems to want to resume their previous activity, staring at Eliott’s lips with a look on his face that screams ‘If you don’’ kiss me right fucking now I’m gonna die’,. Eliott finds himself liking that look very much. So he happily obliges, of course, how could he not, but before that he can’t help but add : 

«I hope you know I’m never gonna stop the notes now», which makes Lucas smile teasingly 

«I think I can deal with that, Loverboy»

«Lover Boy ? Seriously ?»

«We have time to figure out the nicknames»

Eliott scoffs a little at that, feeling his cheeks warming up

«I think I can deal with that»

And then they kiss. And they keep kissing, again and again and again, like soulmates that are finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> So hello there, thanks for reading this. It is my first time writing a fic or even writing something in the romance genre so I really don't know what I'm doing but I had to do something because in a few days I won't ever see my babies again and this is my way of saying goodbye (maybe I will continue to write fics about them we'll see). Anyway, tell me what you think, I'm open to constrcutive criticism :)


End file.
